Saturday Night Dinner Party

My beau Tom informed me that his friend Bill from California was in town and he’d like me to meet him on Saturday night. Tom also wanted to invite his friend Mary, along with a co-worker and her husband Karen and Howard. Can you say Paaaatay?

Ok, sounds like a plan — or a mini-bash. Where too? The North End — one of Tom’s favorite haunts! Sounds like a plan — except I know my boyfriend — this street party will set him back several ben franklins and it’s supposed to pour cats and dogs on Saturday night. Let’s face, I don’t want to be traipsing around Bean Town in heels and bad hair. So, what do I suggest?

A nice dinner party at my place!

On Friday, I sent Diana (my au pair) out to Costco for the best beef tenderloin on the market, along with a medley of fruit items, etc. On Saturday, after having the hair lazered off my face (don’t ask — when you get to be my age, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about), I ran to Trade Joe’s and Verrill Farm near my house to pick up — appetizers and a variety of other necessary items. Ok I took the easy way out and bought the olive something or other that I thought would be a great bruschetta, along with tortilla chips, corn chile, black bean dip and salsa. The main meal consisted of grilled steak and chicken, red bliss baby potato salad thanks to chopped celery stalk, scallions, and a tub of Tzaikki and some plain yogurt thrown in. I also made my famous Quinoa, red kidney bean, black bean, and white baby corn (complements of Trader Joes — frozen food section), and a huge platter of hot house tomatoes with fresh basil and bought a tub of marinated mozzarella balls thrown in. Remember, Karen is a vegetarian — don’t you know. Finally, I whipped up three bags of spinach, with two cans of artichoke hearts (halved) and sauteed in olive oil with a 1/2 teaspoon of crushed garlic.

Naturally, I made Tom who suffers from indigestion and heart burn the artichoke and spinach, along with the potato salad with no garlic or onions respectively. Are you feeling the love, cause I’m not sure Tommy boy is? Verrill Farms has the most amazing strawberry rhubarb pie on the planet and I topped off with vanilla ice cream — it was a synch! At least that’s what Tom thought. Are Tom’s friends happy — think so given the response and the e-mail thank yous. Am I out a few Ben Franklins and need of an extra few hours of sleep — oh yah baby, oh yah!

“Am I Bitter?”

I got a call from my boyfriend Tom last night after he left his therapy session. With not so much as a hello, he posed the question after I answered the phone with, “Do you think I’m bitter?”

Then, he explained that after sharing his opinion of one of his closest friends break up and subsequent affair with a woman nearly half his age to his therapist — that his therapist thought he might be “bitter.”

Tom’s opinion was that when his friend suggested that this beautiful young woman would never again find the intimacy and connection with anyone else that she experienced with Tom’s friend — Tom’s reply was, “of course she will John, we all think that, and then they all move on — we’re all replaceable.”

Tom’s therapist found this to be a bit bitter and encouraged Tom to dig deeper into his negativity! Luckily Tom’s therapist doesn’t have to date Tom. I say this is the case only 50% of the time — when Tom discusses his desire to NOT get married again constantly as if trying to drill his point home, ruminates over ghosts of girlfriends past, and plays devils advocate in situations related to self-improvement, relationships and other related topics — I would say that Tom is in fact, a bit bitter? Yes indeedy, I would. Now mind you, the confusion comes in because the other 50% of the time, Tom is fun, up for anything, light heart-ed, very social and overall has a good time and is a good sport about most things — including my friend’s six-year-old niece vomiting all over the interior of my car.

Fortunately for Tom, he’s dating someone who doesn’t want to get married (alimony was negotiated until death do us part), doesn’t mention past loves and is generally agreeable and crazy about this man! Oh, she’s also 14 years his junior — which I’m assuming doesn’t stink (suck) when you’re 60!

Needless to say, he was probably a bit bitter that he even called to pose the question, when I gave it to him straight up!

I just saved my BF 3K on his AmEx bill!

Ok, just saying, I get no respect — as Rodney Dangerfield would say.  My BF — as in boyfriend, Tom was delighted to share the good news with me that he came WAY under his allotted $7500 AmEx allowance he gives himself for entertainment this month — by about $3K.

Forgiveness is for tough broads

Forgive me if you will, and I do hope you will, but forgiveness is a tough thing to do.  Believe me – I know firsthand.

In 2004, after 16 years of marriage (many of them in an abusive relationship), I finally called 911. I was blindsided, however, when my husband met police at my door and convinced them that I did not fit the profile of an abused spouse, despite my call for help.  Believe it or not, I was arrested and spent a few hours at my local police station.  In that instant, my marriage of 16+ years was effectively over.

Days later, he was involved with someone else and our legal battles (divorce proceedings) began.  I was stressed to the max, attempting to maintain my sanity in the midst of the chaos of managing a household, three small children, and my business – all with little financial support and no communication between my estranged husband and myself.

Within 10 short months, in May of 2005, the stress I was under finally took its toll.  I landed at my local ER with extreme nausea, weakness, and in great need of medical help.  Thankfully, I was transferred the next day to a major Boston medical facility where I was immediately placed in the Intensive Care Unit.  Within a few days I was informed I was experiencing liver failure and would need a liver transplant, just before falling into a two-month coma.

Fortunately, I was the recipient of a non-compatible blood type organ of a 21-year-old young woman from Appalachia, VA, who passed away the night before my transplant from complications of a car accident.  I coded twice during the surgery –once for more than two minutes when they discovered a blood clot in my new liver and had to remove it to check for other clots and re-transplant.  My family was told I wouldn’t be the same cognitively and may need long-term care.  To make matters potentially worse, during a routine CT scan they detected an abscess on my brain and contacted my parents for their approval on emergency brain surgery – all while I was still in a coma.

According to Wikipedia’s definition of forgiveness, the term is defined as “the process of concluding resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, difference or mistake, and/or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution.”

I clearly remember a pity party I was holding for myself when I expressed my suicidal desires to my parents (my caretakers at the time) and all that I wanted to return to normal.  I wanted the status quo again: my health back, my kids, my home, my ability to work.  But on and on through the sobbing, my dad said, “Nancy – your only job right now is to get better.  If you don’t get better, nothing else matters.”

I can’t say I accepted his advice without resentment the moment it was uttered, but within a few days, I began to try to think about what I was grateful for.  I was grateful I didn’t have to do anything but lay on that sofa and rest, eat what I could (that I didn’t have to make for myself), wasn’t responsible for the day-to-day tasks of taking care of my beautiful children (because I was clearly unable to do so), and on and on grew my list of things to be grateful for.
Over time, gratitude leads to forgiveness, and today, I frequently comment to many in my life that I am grateful to my ex-husband, as he is still and always will be the father of my three beautiful children.  He’s more involved now as a father than he ever was before, and I’m grateful to him for that.  He’s an excellent provider, and we agree on most things related to our children and what’s best for them.

After 16 months – several of which were in the hospital, rehabilitation and numerous return trips, after losing my health, custody of my three children, and my ability to work and take care of myself – I finally returned to the town I had spent 15 years in and was home to my children before I had become ill.  I rented an apartment and saw my children every afternoon after school and had dinner with them, then returned to my apartment to regain my strength and rest and looked forward to seeing them again the next day.

The Chinese symbol of crisis is comprised of two characters.  One is opportunity; the other is danger.  When experiencing a life crisis – as I did during those few years, including separation, divorce, betrayal, illness, near death, medical complications, loss of my home, ability to work and live independently, and on and on – it’s difficult to see where the opportunity lies.

Today, though, I can honestly say that I am grateful for the experience (although I wouldn’t want to re-live a day of it).  It has provided me with greater compassion for others and what they go through, and it has created a path for me to experience forgiveness and act in ways that show my forgiveness to others – namely my ex-husband.

“The practice of forgiveness is our most important contribution to the healing of the world.”

Marianne Williamson

“He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love.”

Reverend Martin Luther King, Jr. (1029 – 1968)

Top 10 Must-Have’s For A Newly Single Woman

I recently took a trip to the UK to visit my dear friend Angela.  I had been divorced maybe two years at that time.  When she saw me, she was flabbergasted!  “Nancy, you’ve got to pull yourself together.” She was amazed at how I’d let the fashionista in me die a slow death…along with my marriage.  So off we into London for am “extreme” makeover.

I got a brand new haircut, fresh makeup, and a stunning new outfit.  I was a new woman and holy shit I felt terrific!  If you don’t believe me, you should talk to members of the support group I was in who couldn’t believe the transformation.

Hey, sometimes we let go when things get bad.  But ask me for my opinion and I won’t hold back, promise!

A new look, outfit, and a couple of compliments can change your outlook on things.  Here’s my start at a go-to wardrobe you MUST HAVE as a single, mid-life woman.

Top 10 MUST HAVE’S FOR A NEWLY SINGLE WOMAN (NSW):

Little Black Dress – I know its cliché, but it’s a wardrobe necessity.  If you think that black is too aging, try colors like chocolate brown, steel gray, navy blue and eggplant.   Ann Taylor is a great place to pull together this sassy number

High Heels – Our legs look amazing in them and men love em’.  They elongate your legs, pull your posture up, and turn you into a taller woman immediately.   I personally like to shop Nordstrom’s, but I have found some hot numbers at Payless too.
Great Pair of Jeans - Not mommy jeans that conceal your ass!  They make you look dowdy.  Go for the darker denim (slimming), medium waist (because we tend to have waists at our ages), and don’t hem them too short.  No shit, this is a big no-no.  A longer pant leg makes you look taller and that’s a good thing.  Splurge on one good pair.  Believe it or not, my favorite pair I bought for under $100 at Cache!
White Shirt – It’s an essential and will go with everything you own; jeans, shorts, pencil skirt, etc.  You can’t walk into a retailer of any kind and not have a wide selection to choose from.  If you pop that collar up, you’ll be looking like Audrey Hepburn in no time.
The Pencil Skirt – This never goes out of style and looks great with a sweater, blouse, and the classic white shirt.  It can be dressed up or down depending on the fabric.  I have two of them, one in denim and another in black.  I live in both.
Spanx – Let’s give it up to Sarah Blakely for coming up with these wonder under garments.  I had a hot date back in January with a smokin’ guy.  I seriously needed to impress.  Thank God for Spanx!  I was locked and loaded into that silk, body skimming, black dress without a hitch.  The “expanded” version of Spanx covered the tummy, butt, thighs and my scars from the liver transplant.  Hospitals should be giving these things away as parting gifts!
The Right Accessories – They are often overlooked.  The right accessories can update and change your wardrobe instantly.  Check out Target, TJ Maxx and Marshalls and Forever 21 (I know it’s your daughter’s store, but if you can look through the racks, you can find some affordable, trendy and snazzy accessories).
Sexy Black Boots – Just like the sexy heels, men love these!  You know the kind.  My best friend Sandy tore though my closet last year and tossed every boot I owned away.  We then hit Marshalls and found the perfect pair of lace up boots.  I wore them to death last winter, and I have already taken them in to the cobbler for this season!
Something Sexy – Drop those sweats!  Get something that makes you feel slinky and wonderful.
Appropriate Overnight Bag – Get it ready to go on a moments notice.  Don’t forget to have it fully equipped with a toothbrush, hair supplies, etc.  It’s great when you’re traveling as well.  Don’t forget TSA’s 3 oz. Rule for liquids and buy a box of quart size bags as well.  You’ll be glad you did when being screened at the airport.

Other necessary resources:

Be well groomed.  This is not the time to let you go.  Keep up with mani’s and pedi’s.  You can do them yourself and save a bundle to boot.

Get a great hairstylist for your cut, color, and whatever else your coif needs!  I discovered a straightening method this year and don’t know how I lived without it all these years.  Money in the bank, because I can finally style my own hair.

A great esthetician for the occasional stress-related outbreaks, facial hair removal, and body waxing professional (don’t make me elaborate on this one – you get the drift).

Have an OBGYN who can prescribe birth control.  The last thing you want is another baby, believe me!

Get a Wii Fit or a membership to a local gym.  It’s a great stress reliever.   If you want to indulge in Ben & Jerry’s, you can lose the extra calories in a work out!

Health

“If you don’t have your health, you don’t have anything.”  Whoever said that is an f-ing genius!

The regular routine of a healthy diet and exercise can relieve a tremendous amounts of stress, not to mention tighten up that behind, boost your confidence, and better prepare you for any unforeseen health problems.

If there is one thing I’ve learned, your health is an asset, and you must strengthen your temple.
I am a living testimony to this!

After my separation in 2004, I became so stressed out as a result of the break-up, my attempts to manage my house on my own, run a business and care for my three very young children, that I allowed the stress to get the better of me.  Don’t let that happen to you.

Here’s a Top 11 List of Things to Do to Help Prevent Unexpected Health Crisis and to

Improve Your Quality of Life:

All women should have annual pelvic exams – From the ages of 25 to 64, all women should have basic screens each year that include height, weight, and blood pressure.

Regular dental exams – Several diseases can be linked to your oral health, things like cardiovascular disease to pre-term labor in pregnancy.  Besides, who doesn’t like a beautiful pearly smile?

Love you – Your self-image can have a tremendous affect, either positive or negative, on your health and happiness.  Chose to be around people who are positive, make you feel confident, loved, secure, and open.  Don’t hang around people who bring you down.

Stress anyone? – Stress is any change in your normal routine or health.  Adopting some stress management techniques can lower your risk of stress-related health conditions.

Love the skin – Always, ALWAYS wear sunscreen.  Year round sunscreen can prevent and slow down the signs of aging.  It also protects you from skin cancer.  Although many of us think we don’t pretty or healthy without the glow of a tan, there is almost nothing that will age your skin faster tanning and the accompanying sunburns that almost always occur before you even get a tan.

Exercise – Exercise will literally extend your life expectancy, not too mention improves your cardiovascular health and circulation.  It also lessons the symptoms of PMS, menopause, and diabetes.  Oh!  And please don’t forget the copious amounts of energy you receive from a great work out.  The benefits of good exercise habits are numerous and it improves your libido!  Yowza!

You are what you eat – Proper nutrition can improve your complexion, extend your life, help your nails (calcium ladies!), add extra energy, the list goes on and on!  Are you eating a healthy diet that meets the daily nutritional requirements set by the USDA?

Smokin’ – It’s plain and simple, just don’t do it.  There is nothing beneficial about it.  Find other ways to curb your stress.  Try hoppin’ in the car for a road trip with a friend, a hike, a new restaurant, or maybe a jog.

Boozehound – So yeah, there is new freedom and nights alone.  Watch what you drink ladies, or should I say – watch how much you drink.  It’s easy to fall into a glass of wine after a long stressful day.  Make sure you don’t fall into this rut after the end of a relationship.

Get some! – And practice safely while you are at it.  Protect yourself from STDs/HIV and the potential “accident.”

Buckle up for safety – It’s easy to forget when we are loading into the car in the morning, buckling up kids, trying not to spill the coffee, and get to work on time.

The Dating Game

I was blubbering to my friend Glynne when I found out my husband, who had recently “walked out the door,” was suddenly involved with another woman.   She quickly reminded me that when I find someone, I simply “wouldn’t care if she (the girlfriend) was putting chopsticks up his anus.”

How true.  At the time though, it was a killer.  It was like being punched in the gut and having the wind knocked out of me.

Fast forward five years and I’m thoroughly enjoying my single status.  I didn’t think it was possible on that first dreary night while contemplating my estranged husband in a compromising position of sorts (see chopsticks).

Here’s what I know now about dating now:

Top 10 Things You Need to Know about Dating

Single Men DO exist.  Go find them.

Love takes time, certainly not decades.

Your standards have changed, but remain open to the possibilities.

Use a three prong approach to meeting someone:  friends/family, on-line, and involved in something you’re interested in (animal shelter, soup kitchen, etc)

Find a buddy or wingman.

Get a life, then get a love.

Organize and practice your priorities.

Look the part.

Get happy and have a good attitude, it’s the best aphrodisiac.

Buy Diana Kirschner’s book, How to Find Love in 90 Days and practice what she preaches!

Paging Steve Carrell

Now Paging Steve Carell

I insist, and believe, that Steve and I are spiritually connected.  He is, after all, married to a Nancy.

If I can’t have him to myself, I resign that his relationship to a Nancy is adequate.

Sigh.

Call me crazy, but those dark days spent in the ICU, were a little easier watching NBC’s The Office.  I’m convinced the nursing staff thought I was nuts due to the hysterical laughing that would emanate from 5A every Thursday night.

Steve isn’t my normal “type,” but his character’s dim-witted sense of self, is a massive turn on!I relish thinking that this guy actually grew up one town away from where I currently live, and he attended the posh private schools of Concord!  It kills me!

My friend Marilee has clued me in to his digs in Marshfield.  It’s all entirely too likely that I will head over to scope him out!

Crushes are so invigorating and refreshing right?

Money

Money (theme to Money, Money, — Money)

It’s high time we started thinking and strategizing about our financial picture – especially now – on our own. Like many of you, I was a financial genius when I was younger and on my own. I let this skill lapse as I allowed my hubs to take over this part of our life and became complacent about our finances.

Big mistake! I wouldn’t recommend it.

The re-entry into becoming fiscally responsible was a painful one, but one I’m glad I endured – like so many other things in life.